Mystery #159 – Your funny bone

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #159 – Your funny bone No. No, I'm not going to write about how, if it's called the funny bone then why don't you laugh when you hit it. In fact, I am going to write about the complete and total losers who refuse to let that joke die. I mean, COME ON, "Hehe, hehehe, hey… hey man… hey… if you hit you're funny bone… uh, why aren't you laughing? Hehehe." Because it freakin hurts, numbnuts. What'd you think it was? If I kick you in the penis, you don't start to suddenly act like a jerk, you fall on the floor and go "OOooooOOOOooohhh…." in a steadily climbing pitch. Don't believe me? Well let the stupid humorous joke slide next time, or it's ooh time.

Mystery #160 - Totally oversized fingernails

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #160 - Totally oversized fingernails makes me think ...that's all I'm sayin...

Mystery #161 – Licking frogs to get high

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #161 – Licking frogs to get high Or, for that matter, any of the crazy things people do to catch a buzz. I mean, if you think about it: sticking drugs up your nose, eating random things in nature, smelling everything from markers to whipped cream… It just makes me wonder who must've DONE it all, who went out there to discover all the vices our addicted friends have to choose from? I think about it and in my mind see Indiana Jones-esque figures. The first brazenly straps a pith helmet over his dreadlocks while another fastens his machete over his tie-dyed peace sign shirt. They slip on their hemp sandals, shoulder their rifles, put some Marley on the iPod, and trek into the jungle in search of new and exciting narcotics. Yeah, that must've been it...   "Well look, Winston, it appears to be some sort of toad!" "Well by golly, Charles, let's lick it and see if we can get high!" "Jolly good idea, Winston, Jolly good idea…"   Still, though, I can't help but wonder if the world isn't complicated enough as it is. Do we really NEED more drugs? Already those "narcotic surveys" we do in English are long enough, and they're only getting longer. I personally just don't understand why we couldn't stick with the traditional method of wasting our lives in a dazed stupor: alcoholism!

Mystery #162 - Piracy

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #162 - Piracy **Writers note: all italics are to be read in your best pirate voice. If you can't do a pirate voice, well, imagine a pirate reading it in HIS best pirate voice. Merriam-Webster's definition for Piracy is as follows...  Main Entry: pi·ra·cy Pronunciation: 'pI-r&-sE Function: noun 1 : an act of robbery on the high seas; also : an act resembling such robbery 2 : robbery on the high seas 3 a : the unauthorized use of another's production, invention, or conception especially in infringement of a copyright b : the illicit accessing of broadcast signals Now, let me point out something odd about entries 1-2 versus entry 3 for ya. The first deals with stealing from people on boats (like a pirate), the second is the act of stealing from people on boats (...still like a pirate), and the third is downloading music illegally. What?!?!? Now I'm sorry, MGM records, but there is definitely a difference between Captain Blackbeard, the fiercest pirate in these here waters, and my friend Jim who downloads the Spice Girls off Kazaa. I just don't see why the word "robbery" wouldn't do in this situation? What uptight idiot decided that stealing music was on par with slaughterin' landlubbers for their booty? Do these white-collar bozos actually BELEIEVE that somewhere, deep in the darkest reaches of cyberspace, crews of scurvy mateys gather on the poop deck around their laptops when suddenly ole Jim Crowxly stands in triumph and yells "Yarr, got me another one! May the Lorrrrd be blessin thee, Limewirrrre! Arrr!" I mean good golly, what next? I'll tell ya what: a future of children afraid to seat jack, for fear of committing a "tactical cross-border assault".

Mystery #163 – "My baby's momma"

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #163 – "My baby's momma" I... I don't understand. Generally I get it, you guys, and the whole "Oh man what's up with this thing over here? It's crazy", that's just for the comedy. This, though... This I legitimately just don't get. In honor of Mother's Day, I figured I'd take on this one, singularly weirdest thing ever in the history of "What the heck"-dom. Ladies, tell me true, could this ever pass as romantic? endearing? funny? affectionate? or even cute? If my relationship with someone is such that I can only refer to them via a third party, our relationship is in pretty shallow waters. Seriously, generally "My mother's husband" instead of "dad" means pops and I aint doin so hot. The only other person who comes to mind who has THIS kind of title is He-who-must-not-be-named, and I don't think that was a compliment to old Voldy. Voldemort, of course, not being someone you have sex with. That's a whole other dynamic altogether. I'm thinkin if Voldemort hooked up with some chick, got knocked up, and then had to hear "Hey guys, this here's my little He-who-must-not-be-named", he'd be too busy crying himself to sleep to do much magic orphan hunting.

Mystery #164 – Second rule of Fight Club

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #164 – Second rule of Fight Club Dude, repetitive much? Either old Tyler has a problem with memory or he figured after getting beat upside the head once a week his members would need a little help remembering details. All I'm saying is, maybe shotgun on the rules list could've been used for something a BIT more effective than… rule 1… again. Maybe something like "No double dipping in the guacamole" or "Please wash your hands after using the restroom. That means you, Steve." But I guess those don't have quite the same ring to them. Perhaps something shorter? It would have to be nice and to the point, and of course something people in Fight Club all really need to do. How about "Second Rule of Fight Club is, give Joey some Doritos"?

Mystery #165 – My Grandmother's Cat

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #165 – My Grandmother's Cat Or, more accurately, her lack of cat. Now, I know there's probably some good reason for it, like my grandpa has allergies or just hates the things, but you would imagine that a woman with a wardrobe of kitten sweaters, a den with dozens of cats-playing-in-leaves decorative plates in the cupboard,  and two cat stuffed animals on the couch, would for goodness sakes have a freakin cat! It's almost enough to drive you insane to just ponder it sometimes… Has she ever had a cat? Is she somehow unaware that they can be owned? Perhaps she thinks cats are some endangered species, and thus has never even considered the possibility of having one as a pet. Heck, maybe she thinks they're just made up, like unicorns. But then, I suppose that's why it's a Great Mystery of the Universe…