Mystery #151 – The other stuff in pasta salad

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #151 – The other stuff in pasta salad I love me some pasta salad. Seriously, stick me in a room with some of that stuff and we'll have a good time. That being said, I'd like to dedicate today's blog to all of pasta salad's non-pasta ingredients. You would assume that, after years of wasting celery and peppers, garnishes doomed to be cast aside once their noodly companions are gone, someone would stand up and say "enough". But no, instead these poor ingredients have experienced year after year what the rest of us (me) had to go through only in elementary school: getting picked last. Then again, we weren't standing in line to be eaten, but I think the metaphor holds up.

Mystery #152 - ABC 15 News

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #152 - ABC 15 News I just saw an almost 10 minute breaking news report that concluded, after much ado, that: a) Killing animals is "bad" b) Ducks like crackers No exaggeration. The reporter literally closed with "And, as you can see here, as I feed them these crackers I'm attracting more and more and now they are just swarming (motions to group of five ducks in the lake) Thank you and goodnight." What's more, the spot upstaged the news of a murder investigation in Phoenix. Murder? Well, murder is all right. But if you want ratings, duck spots are where it's at.

Mystery #153 – Sunroof vs. Moonroof

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #153 – Sunroof vs. Moonroof I keep tabs on things I'd like to write about, and as I recently bought a car with a sun/moon roof, this topic naturally popped up. Now, originally I was simply going to compare the aesthetics of the two names, mainly that "moonroof" probably caters more to the vampire and werewolf demographic where "sunroof" must be geared more toward valley girls who want skin cancer. Then I decided to look up the two on wikipedia to figure out the actual textbook definition of each. What I found changed everything. See, a moonroof is generally of tinted glass which does not move, allowing light to shine through, while a sunroof is opaque but opens up to expose your head to the elements a la convertible. However, my car (and most cars made today with astral body roofs) sports a tinted glass window that opens. Which means I have a… "something that's a cross between a sun and a moon" roof? The powers at be, obviously not trying to help clear things up, refer to the new hybrid as a "moonroof", the design of which we owe to the American Sunroof Company… GAH!!! I can only find solace in the fact that, when all is said and done, nobody really cares anyway.

Mystery #154 – Galoshes

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #154 – Galoshes A galosh is basically a condom for your shoe. In the event that you don't want your shoe to get wet, or if you just don't feel like another shoe is what you really need right now, you just slip on your galoshes before tramping out into the rain. I personally just think it's a silly word. It always makes me think goulash, which I then get confused with Gulag. Just an FYI, the former is a Hungarian beef stew, while the latter was the government office in charge of Soviet work camps (which in turn makes me think of Ivan Denisovich, random). Yeah, I know, little different. Ah well though… Apparently these things (galoshes, not beef stew and prisons) were originally made of cloth, which makes me smile. It'd be like Sea World selling knitted sweaters for people to wear in the splash zone at the Shamu tank. Plus, I hear they make your footsteps really super quiet. Makes me wonder if the galosh industry doesn't have a thriving presence among the ninja demographic.

Mystery #156 – Birthday Candles

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #156 – Birthday Candles It's… fire… fire made only for the purpose of being put out. This, this is ridiculous. I think it may have to do with some sort of twisted, primordial throwback. Our cavemen ancestors lived and died in their struggle to create fire. Perhaps some part of us, deep down, still remembers. Maybe that's why we are led to use our hard earned knowledge in such a careless manner, just to remind the fire that the shoe's on the other foot now.

Mystery #157 - Bassoon Theft

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #157 - Bassoon Theft Honestly, who steals a bassoon? I guess the whole idea just seems silly. It's a bassoon, dude. Go steal something cool, like a car. Have you ever heard of Grand Theft Bassoon? No, because it's not sexy. There's just no danger. It's lame. Now, I always imagine while I write these that there's that one skeptical reader who criticizes everything I say, we'll call him Chad. Well look here, Chad, I understand that a good, quality bassoon can cost a pretty penny, but still… Is there really a thriving underground black market dedicated to trafficking stolen instruments? I don't think so. No, I think this is instead something altogether more sinister. That or just someone really lonely with a penchant for doubles. Double reeds? Check. Double s's? Check. Double o's? oo yeah.

Mystery #158 – Magma

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #158 – Magma "Hard as a rock" is a cliché. A cliché, of course, being one of those things we've said so many times that we aren't allowed to say it anymore. Now the person who first said this particular phrase did so with a certain faith, a faith that a rock was something… hard. But then came magma. Oh, that jerk magma had to go and ruin everything. For those of you living under a rock (and may it be a nice, firm, non-squishy rock for the rest of your days. Amen) magma=lava=boiling hot melted rock. In short, magma is a rock that is not as hard as a rock… stupid inconsistent minerals. Don't be fooled, though, it'd still be painful to get hit with it, just for different reasons. Let's just say "molten" is never something worth giving a poke.