Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #112 – Fire Safety
The fire alarm in the MU went off today.
Now, most of you will remember the Great MU Fire of ’07, a particularly nasty blaze which threatened tens of thousands, few of whom managed to escape with their lives [citation needed]. I myself was inside at the time, diving through the flames just as the roof collapsed with no less than twelve asphyxiated orphans clinging to my back, all of whom I single-handedly resuscitated before reuniting with all their long-lost families (most of whom were wizards).
Well, I can assure you that when that fire started, we knew it. Flashing lights and blaring alarms sprung to life throughout the building; the grating RRRGH- RRRGH- RRRGH sound most of us associate with lining up on the basketball court. The MU was closed for a long time after that, during which administration assured us the building was being remodeled and outfitted with a new, improved fire alarm system.
There is a distinct possibility that I am partially deaf, my handicap only being the exact pitches emitted by new, improved fire alarm systems, but I doubt it. When the alarm went off today, a flashing light began to blink every few seconds. From the basement there was an automated announcement I could faintly hear as I passed the stairwell, but on the main level… nothing. Some people looked around, confused, and most didn’t notice at all.
It finally took a woman in an ”ASU staff” polo to get people moving, “Fire alarm, everybody out of the building!” She yelled it over and over, kind of like, you know, a fire alarm. I didn’t check her for a control panel or a power cord, but I probably should have. It is, after all, a new and improved fire alarm system.
I was already headed out, so I suppose I’ll have to wait and hear how the Great MU Fire of ’08 panned out, but I’m not that optimistic. While “whisper quiet” sounds good in a car, vacuum, or bulldozer commercial, I’m not sure it should be the selling point for a new, IMPROVED fire alarm system. I imagine the singed, exhausted robot woman going home to her robot family. It’s been a long day at work, and she’s not sure she did her job to the best of her ability. She’ll cry oily robot tears as her husband gingerly clamps her shoulders. “It’s ok, wife-bot, you couldn’t have saved them all. That place needs four, five robot alarms minimum. They’re completely understaffed.” But she’ll just keep blaming herself, keep thinking... if only…
I mean, heck, the boy’s bathroom! She can’t even go in there.
