Mystery #139 - Parenthood

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #139 - Parenthood

Parenthood is a special experience in a person's life, the time when they feel they are actively playing a role in the continuation of our kind. In a way, children are our real tangible footprint on this earth, and as such the process of raising them has special significance in our lifetimes. Plus, it's a really great excuse to lie your pants off.

Think about it, we ALL have that super gullible friend who will believe almost any lie we can dream up. Well, having kids is like having a bunch more of that friend!!! I mean, how will they know? They aren't old enough to use Wikipedia, and they aren't smart enough to figure things out for themselves. If daddy says that blue is "yellow", how's Junior to know? He won't even have a clue until he's the laughingstock of his kindergarten class. Oh, Junior, you just got Punk'd!

Parents love to lie, especially about magic people who break into your house at night. Most of these stories are harmless: the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, Cher. The mystery, however, lies with the Boogeyman. Despite the many traits he shares with their own propaganda, most parents spend many a night denying the existence of monsters under the bed.

This, this is counter-intuitive. The "it's just make-believe" argument actually comes back to bite later, when children begin to doubt things like Santa, and God. If it was MY kid, I'd thank the neighborhood bully for the head start and really make the lie my own. Why limit myself to the bedroom? The Boogeyman could theoretically get kids anywhere they're misbehaving. Won't stop crying in the supermarket? "Oh my goodness, Hillary, Mommy just saw something with horns behind the produce stand. Oh baby, please get down and be quiet before it kills us all. I just want you to know, just in case it catches me and eats me up, that I love you very much and I forgive you for yelling and getting mommy killed." This is where the ability to cry on demand gets bonus points for style.

And that, my friends, is how you build character.

Mystery #141 – Cantaloupe

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #141 – Cantaloupe

I don't like cantaloupe, and it has nothing to do with any of its physical traits. It's not the taste, I find it often has an enjoyable melony flavor. Nor am I particularly opposed to orange. No, I say no to cantaloupe on a matter of principal, because cantaloupe is intolerant.

That's right, I said it, but only because it needed saying. Cantaloupe, my friends, is a Nazi fruit. It is the Borg of the fruit tray galaxy. Think about it, whenever there is an assortment of fruit slices all thrown together, and cantaloupe ends up crashing the party, everything comes out tasting like cantaloupe. You think that's natural? Do your apple slices unabashedly spread their delicious apple essences with wild abandon? The answer is no, because apple just don't roll like that.