Mystery #134 – True Love

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #134 – True Love

Once upon a time, there was a man named John and a woman named Lynn. They may have been many things, but those details matter not to our tale. The one thing you must know is that John and Lynn were in love.

Which is why, for Valentine’s Day, Lynn decided to give John something very special. It was a book of famous love poems, Sonnets from the Portuguese, by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. And on the inside cover, this is what she wrote:

Feb 14, 1990

John,
I guess I haven’t been very good at telling and showing you how I love you, so I thought a little help from a classic expert would do the trick. After reading, maybe you’ll understand: “How do I love thee?”

I’ll be counting the ways,
Lynn

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Unfortunately, things turned sour and John sold the book to a used book store, which is how I got it. Yeah, I know, that’s pretty much awesome. Ten points for John.

Mystery #135 – Shaken Baby Syndrome

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #135 – Shaken Baby Syndrome

There are certain things made to be shaken: chocolate milk, James Bond’s martinis, and, in some cases, yo’ laffy taffy. Shaking these things is good, it gives one a sense of satisfaction. “Yes,” you say to yourself, “I shook to the best of my ability.”

Why the hell would you shake a baby? I mean, I know why you shake a baby, because it won’t stop crying and mama is tryin’ to watch her stories, but where is the logic? How many things make LESS noise when shaken? Maracas? Rain sticks? Tambourines? Shaking generally means louder. You want your baby to shut up, you slip it a roofie.

Mystery #136 – Fudge

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #136 – Fudge

Fudge is neat. It’s just a fun word to say. Say it, say it with me. Fudge, hehehe, yeah. I think we should have saved the name fudge for something that gets more play in everyday speech. Like, shoes. Or even better, as what you say in reaction to something that happens a lot. I can’t decide which I like better, fudge when someone sneezes or fudge instead of I love you. I think the sneeze thing, just because I can see it happening in my head and it makes me smile. ACHOO! Fudge! Thank you. Then you’d have people on diets saying they don’t believe in fudge, and so it’s very rude for you to be saying that. They would explain that it is more politically correct to say something like “excuse you” or “lettuce”. There would be a lot of things like that if the world were more like the inside of my head.

Mystery #137 – The Santa Edition

Christmas has come and gone, the season is winding down, and so I thought it appropriate to post some great mysteries that have been on my mind. What, with all the holiday cheer, this cynical sarcastic heart of mine has just been dying to spoil some of the fun. And so, after our little break, it's…

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #137 – The Santa Edition

I was dragged by my parents to the movies under the pretense of seeing I Am Legend. Needless to say, I was a bit perplexed when I ended up in the theater for Fred Clause. Now, disclaimer, the movie wasn't as bad as I thought it would be (bad, but not unwatchable. Elizabeth Banks made a significant difference).

In it, there is a scene where (hope I'm not ruining anything for you) Fred has to fill in for his brother delivering presents on Christmas. Willie, the head elf, makes sure to remind him that he MUST eat all the cookies or he'll hurt the children's feelings. In the ensuing montage we see Fred trying to cram cookie after cookie into his mouth.

Now this raises an interesting question. Santa already must be a candy cane away from adult onset diabetes. The last thing he needs is another cookie. But we aren't talking about one cookie here, we're talking millions. The argument goes that, because of Christmas magic, Santa is able to move super fast on Christmas Eve to do his job. I've never heard the one about his magic bottomless stomach though. Assuming Kris Kringle's guts are just like yours or mine, there's only room for so much cookies and milk. The only logical explanation is that ole Saint Nick is a follower of the old "binge and purge" school of thought. Enough to make me wonder if, in the original poem, he really laid his finger on the side of his nose.

Which proves there are worse things than coal in your stocking.

Mystery #138 - Identity

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #138 - Identity

I was stuck in traffic today - a scenario encouraging of contemplation - when I began to wonder about what makes me unique. I was rocking out to music, and it just hit me: Who says I really am an individual? With all the people in the world, why should there only be one Joey Russo out there? Could it really be safe to assume that there weren't others? Did God, in his divine care, really hand craft me to be one of a kind?

It was about then that I went to drum on the steering wheel, missed, and accidently punched myself in the crotch. That answers my question.

Mystery #139 - Parenthood

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #139 - Parenthood

Parenthood is a special experience in a person's life, the time when they feel they are actively playing a role in the continuation of our kind. In a way, children are our real tangible footprint on this earth, and as such the process of raising them has special significance in our lifetimes. Plus, it's a really great excuse to lie your pants off.

Think about it, we ALL have that super gullible friend who will believe almost any lie we can dream up. Well, having kids is like having a bunch more of that friend!!! I mean, how will they know? They aren't old enough to use Wikipedia, and they aren't smart enough to figure things out for themselves. If daddy says that blue is "yellow", how's Junior to know? He won't even have a clue until he's the laughingstock of his kindergarten class. Oh, Junior, you just got Punk'd!

Parents love to lie, especially about magic people who break into your house at night. Most of these stories are harmless: the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, Cher. The mystery, however, lies with the Boogeyman. Despite the many traits he shares with their own propaganda, most parents spend many a night denying the existence of monsters under the bed.

This, this is counter-intuitive. The "it's just make-believe" argument actually comes back to bite later, when children begin to doubt things like Santa, and God. If it was MY kid, I'd thank the neighborhood bully for the head start and really make the lie my own. Why limit myself to the bedroom? The Boogeyman could theoretically get kids anywhere they're misbehaving. Won't stop crying in the supermarket? "Oh my goodness, Hillary, Mommy just saw something with horns behind the produce stand. Oh baby, please get down and be quiet before it kills us all. I just want you to know, just in case it catches me and eats me up, that I love you very much and I forgive you for yelling and getting mommy killed." This is where the ability to cry on demand gets bonus points for style.

And that, my friends, is how you build character.

Mystery #141 – Cantaloupe

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #141 – Cantaloupe

I don't like cantaloupe, and it has nothing to do with any of its physical traits. It's not the taste, I find it often has an enjoyable melony flavor. Nor am I particularly opposed to orange. No, I say no to cantaloupe on a matter of principal, because cantaloupe is intolerant.

That's right, I said it, but only because it needed saying. Cantaloupe, my friends, is a Nazi fruit. It is the Borg of the fruit tray galaxy. Think about it, whenever there is an assortment of fruit slices all thrown together, and cantaloupe ends up crashing the party, everything comes out tasting like cantaloupe. You think that's natural? Do your apple slices unabashedly spread their delicious apple essences with wild abandon? The answer is no, because apple just don't roll like that. 

Mystery #142 – Emergency Shower

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #142 – Emergency Shower

The other day, walking back from Spanish with my friend Amanda, we cut through the parking lot and she pointed something out to me. I knew right away that this was, without a doubt, going to be the stupidest thing I would see all day. Tell me what you think of this...

Yeah, it's an emergency shower/eyewash station... in the parking lot. The wall it's up against goes around an area where some garbage and/or heavy equipment is stored. You'd think that would be enough explanation, but I still wonder... First off, if dangerous chemical spills to the body and/or face are such a threat to warrant an emergency shower, why not put it inside the walled-in area? And even if that proved to have a reasonable justification, why on top of that would you decide to put it on the OPPOSITE side from the gate? Anyone inside the wall needing a quick rinse would have to somehow leave and run around to the back to find the shower, all while potentially blinded.

As is my way, I've opted to just make something up that's more interesting. Of the several possible answers we were able to come up with, I myself stand in favor of the "in case of acid rain" theory. How often have the students and staff at ASU been caught looking skyward during a freak acid rain storm? How many have lost eyes to what must be an all too common occurrence? Well fear no longer, friends, thanks to the brave men and women at the ASU campus planning office. In fact, I suggest we put emergency showers EVERYWHERE! Just imagine…

"Oh no, I have an eyelash in my eye…"
**EMERGENCY SHOWER!!!**
"I spilled marinara sauce on my favorite shirt, and it's our first date too…"
**EMERGENCY SHOWER!!!**
"It's been days since I've been shipwrecked on this desert island, and boy am I thirsty."
**EMERGENCY SHOWER!!!**

Mystery #143 – Morality

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #143 – Morality I saw a fat chick eating ice cream today and it made me smile. Does that make me a bad person?

Mystery #144 - This guy

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #144 - This guy MSNBC has featured this breaking news headline on their homepage this evening, ahem... "Man accused of beheading duck at hotel" Now this, this already spells out "Great Mystery" in my mind. I just stared for awhile before I could convince myself to click the link, trying to figure out what I could POSSIBLY find on the other side. Looking at the title alone, I can feel the questions popping up in my head. The most troubling thing to me is that nobody seems to know for certain if he did or did not behead said duck. How do you go about "accusing" someone of beheading a duck? Was the duck's head separated from its body? Did the action occur at his hands? Bam, there ya go. I see no real room for uncertainty. True, he could have been a closet fowl mutilator, but I find the "at hotel" tag enough to suggest that he was probably in public. Of course, I'm assuming he wasn't alone in his hotel room, which is entirely possible. However, this doesn't give me any less pleasure to imagine a cleaning lady finding a duck head among the sheets a la "The Godfather". Now there's something to ruin your day. This mystery is unique in two ways. First, it is the second to deal with duck murder, which I find I'm quite proud of for some reason. Second, it is one of the few mysteries to be answered even as it is asked. Upon clicking the link, I was able to see the second half of the headline. Man accused of beheading duck at hotel His alleged explanation? 'I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat it' My friends, our world is a wonderfully fanciful place. Good night, and I wish you all a happy Monday. (NBC article found here)

Mystery #145 – A Simple Question

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #145 – A Simple Question I have a very old box of cereal, a gallon of milk, a bowl, and a jones for some combination of the three. Thus I am lead to today's Great Mystery... If stale cereal is left in milk long enough to become soggy, will it become normal cereal? UPDATE, 10 MINUTES LATER: Actually yeah, kind of! Incredible...

Mystery #146 – Henry Jiang

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #146 – Henry Jiang There aren't even words.

Mystery #147 – Kung Fu Battles

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #147 – Kung Fu Battles I am a male. This means that my twenty-third chromosome pair is made up of one X and one Y chromosome. And somewhere, locked deep within that Y chromosome all of us men have, is some gene that gives me a deep appreciation for a well-scripted good kung fu battle. Honestly, there's just something instinctive that makes me break out in a cold sweat when Neo turns to face Agent Smith. "Ooh," my DNA squeals, "He knows kung fu." But herein lies a very, very important question that I have until recently ignored. While watching Rush Hour 3 (approximately 3/8 awesome, 5/8 crappy) it hit me: there cannot actually be this much kung fu in real life. I wonder how the actual ratio of real-life kung fu to movie kung fu compares. I mean think about it. Are there, as Hollywood would have me believe, no less than five dramatic life-or-death martial arts showdowns happening at this very moment? Is someone even now improvising with local objects as weapons, perhaps while carrying on a dramatic dialogue about said combatants' tumultuous past? A wonderful fantasy, but I fear it is not so. I just don't hear about enough gang members being karate-chopped to death.

Mystery #148 – Semicolons

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #148 – Semicolons I don't like the idea of semicolons. Well, let me rephrase that, I don't like the moniker. The fact that uncircumcised colons exist is perfectly fine by me. I lose little sleep at night to think that some colons have a little tail and other colons just have the dot thing going on. What I don't approve of, though, is that the latter have some crazy superiority complex against the former. So what if semicolons (or, as I will henceforth refer to them, "differently-abled colons") have made a different lifestyle choice? Certain bigoted period duos have no right to judge. Does that little extra flourish make DAC's less human, as it were? If I had a tail, would I be called a semi-person? No, because that's prejudice. And prejudice is wrong. So stand with me, my friends, stand against the colons and their punctuation Nazi hate regime. Plus, according to Wikipedia Shakespeare used semicolons; isn't that neat?

Mystery #149 – The Labor Day Special!!!

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #149 – The Labor Day Special!!! Ah, Labor Day, holiest of the "Mondays I don't have to go to school" family of holidays. Unlike Arbor Day or President's Day (note: careful sidestepping of all things MLK), Labor Day actually STANDS for something, making it the only day I can, in the name of hard work, eat cereal and watch cartoons in my underwear until noon. For whatever reason I'm going to yet again bring up Ivan Denisovich in this blog, making it the official obscure book of Joey's Great Mysteries. Anyways, I was thinking about what Labor Day must be like in an actual labor camp. I mean, it's gotta be a big deal, right? At first the idea brought to mind grand images of parades and fun Labor Day activities, perhaps some sort of county fair. But really I imagine that would be kind of against the whole idea of the labor camp in the first place, so I suppose it would be celebrated instead with just good old-fashioned labor. Pretty much just like any other day, really. Sounds like some Stalinist travel brochure: Ah, the Russian gulag! A place of magic and wonderment! Where the snow is always cold, the gruel is always lukewarm, and EVERY day is Labor Day!

Mystery #150 - Bullet Time

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #150 - Bullet Time This isn't going to be one of my usual, wrathful Mysteries. Oh no, I am particularly fond of bullet time. I am an avid SUPPORTER of bullet time. In fact, I want to know what modern science is doing to make bullet time a part of my everyday life. Sure, brushing your teeth is pretty rad, but what if you could brush your teeth in bullet time? Especially if when you spit the glob made that cool bullet trail/ripple effect. To all you haters (lookin at you, Chad) bullet time does not equal slow motion. Slow motion is lame. Slow motion is for wimps, wimps who like to do lame, wimpy things like run and/or skip, possibly with inspiring music in the background. No, bullet time is like hardcore slow motion. It's the slow motion your grandparents aren't sure they approve of because, in their day, people dodged bullets the old fashioned way. Slow-mo aint got nuthin on this.

Mystery #151 – The other stuff in pasta salad

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #151 – The other stuff in pasta salad I love me some pasta salad. Seriously, stick me in a room with some of that stuff and we'll have a good time. That being said, I'd like to dedicate today's blog to all of pasta salad's non-pasta ingredients. You would assume that, after years of wasting celery and peppers, garnishes doomed to be cast aside once their noodly companions are gone, someone would stand up and say "enough". But no, instead these poor ingredients have experienced year after year what the rest of us (me) had to go through only in elementary school: getting picked last. Then again, we weren't standing in line to be eaten, but I think the metaphor holds up.

Mystery #152 - ABC 15 News

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #152 - ABC 15 News I just saw an almost 10 minute breaking news report that concluded, after much ado, that: a) Killing animals is "bad" b) Ducks like crackers No exaggeration. The reporter literally closed with "And, as you can see here, as I feed them these crackers I'm attracting more and more and now they are just swarming (motions to group of five ducks in the lake) Thank you and goodnight." What's more, the spot upstaged the news of a murder investigation in Phoenix. Murder? Well, murder is all right. But if you want ratings, duck spots are where it's at.

Mystery #153 – Sunroof vs. Moonroof

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #153 – Sunroof vs. Moonroof I keep tabs on things I'd like to write about, and as I recently bought a car with a sun/moon roof, this topic naturally popped up. Now, originally I was simply going to compare the aesthetics of the two names, mainly that "moonroof" probably caters more to the vampire and werewolf demographic where "sunroof" must be geared more toward valley girls who want skin cancer. Then I decided to look up the two on wikipedia to figure out the actual textbook definition of each. What I found changed everything. See, a moonroof is generally of tinted glass which does not move, allowing light to shine through, while a sunroof is opaque but opens up to expose your head to the elements a la convertible. However, my car (and most cars made today with astral body roofs) sports a tinted glass window that opens. Which means I have a… "something that's a cross between a sun and a moon" roof? The powers at be, obviously not trying to help clear things up, refer to the new hybrid as a "moonroof", the design of which we owe to the American Sunroof Company… GAH!!! I can only find solace in the fact that, when all is said and done, nobody really cares anyway.

Mystery #154 – Galoshes

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #154 – Galoshes A galosh is basically a condom for your shoe. In the event that you don't want your shoe to get wet, or if you just don't feel like another shoe is what you really need right now, you just slip on your galoshes before tramping out into the rain. I personally just think it's a silly word. It always makes me think goulash, which I then get confused with Gulag. Just an FYI, the former is a Hungarian beef stew, while the latter was the government office in charge of Soviet work camps (which in turn makes me think of Ivan Denisovich, random). Yeah, I know, little different. Ah well though… Apparently these things (galoshes, not beef stew and prisons) were originally made of cloth, which makes me smile. It'd be like Sea World selling knitted sweaters for people to wear in the splash zone at the Shamu tank. Plus, I hear they make your footsteps really super quiet. Makes me wonder if the galosh industry doesn't have a thriving presence among the ninja demographic.

Mystery #156 – Birthday Candles

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #156 – Birthday Candles It's… fire… fire made only for the purpose of being put out. This, this is ridiculous. I think it may have to do with some sort of twisted, primordial throwback. Our cavemen ancestors lived and died in their struggle to create fire. Perhaps some part of us, deep down, still remembers. Maybe that's why we are led to use our hard earned knowledge in such a careless manner, just to remind the fire that the shoe's on the other foot now.

Mystery #157 - Bassoon Theft

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #157 - Bassoon Theft Honestly, who steals a bassoon? I guess the whole idea just seems silly. It's a bassoon, dude. Go steal something cool, like a car. Have you ever heard of Grand Theft Bassoon? No, because it's not sexy. There's just no danger. It's lame. Now, I always imagine while I write these that there's that one skeptical reader who criticizes everything I say, we'll call him Chad. Well look here, Chad, I understand that a good, quality bassoon can cost a pretty penny, but still… Is there really a thriving underground black market dedicated to trafficking stolen instruments? I don't think so. No, I think this is instead something altogether more sinister. That or just someone really lonely with a penchant for doubles. Double reeds? Check. Double s's? Check. Double o's? oo yeah.

Mystery #158 – Magma

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #158 – Magma "Hard as a rock" is a cliché. A cliché, of course, being one of those things we've said so many times that we aren't allowed to say it anymore. Now the person who first said this particular phrase did so with a certain faith, a faith that a rock was something… hard. But then came magma. Oh, that jerk magma had to go and ruin everything. For those of you living under a rock (and may it be a nice, firm, non-squishy rock for the rest of your days. Amen) magma=lava=boiling hot melted rock. In short, magma is a rock that is not as hard as a rock… stupid inconsistent minerals. Don't be fooled, though, it'd still be painful to get hit with it, just for different reasons. Let's just say "molten" is never something worth giving a poke.

Mystery #159 – Your funny bone

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #159 – Your funny bone No. No, I'm not going to write about how, if it's called the funny bone then why don't you laugh when you hit it. In fact, I am going to write about the complete and total losers who refuse to let that joke die. I mean, COME ON, "Hehe, hehehe, hey… hey man… hey… if you hit you're funny bone… uh, why aren't you laughing? Hehehe." Because it freakin hurts, numbnuts. What'd you think it was? If I kick you in the penis, you don't start to suddenly act like a jerk, you fall on the floor and go "OOooooOOOOooohhh…." in a steadily climbing pitch. Don't believe me? Well let the stupid humorous joke slide next time, or it's ooh time.

Mystery #160 - Totally oversized fingernails

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #160 - Totally oversized fingernails makes me think ...that's all I'm sayin...

Mystery #161 – Licking frogs to get high

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #161 – Licking frogs to get high Or, for that matter, any of the crazy things people do to catch a buzz. I mean, if you think about it: sticking drugs up your nose, eating random things in nature, smelling everything from markers to whipped cream… It just makes me wonder who must've DONE it all, who went out there to discover all the vices our addicted friends have to choose from? I think about it and in my mind see Indiana Jones-esque figures. The first brazenly straps a pith helmet over his dreadlocks while another fastens his machete over his tie-dyed peace sign shirt. They slip on their hemp sandals, shoulder their rifles, put some Marley on the iPod, and trek into the jungle in search of new and exciting narcotics. Yeah, that must've been it...   "Well look, Winston, it appears to be some sort of toad!" "Well by golly, Charles, let's lick it and see if we can get high!" "Jolly good idea, Winston, Jolly good idea…"   Still, though, I can't help but wonder if the world isn't complicated enough as it is. Do we really NEED more drugs? Already those "narcotic surveys" we do in English are long enough, and they're only getting longer. I personally just don't understand why we couldn't stick with the traditional method of wasting our lives in a dazed stupor: alcoholism!

Mystery #162 - Piracy

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #162 - Piracy **Writers note: all italics are to be read in your best pirate voice. If you can't do a pirate voice, well, imagine a pirate reading it in HIS best pirate voice. Merriam-Webster's definition for Piracy is as follows...  Main Entry: pi·ra·cy Pronunciation: 'pI-r&-sE Function: noun 1 : an act of robbery on the high seas; also : an act resembling such robbery 2 : robbery on the high seas 3 a : the unauthorized use of another's production, invention, or conception especially in infringement of a copyright b : the illicit accessing of broadcast signals Now, let me point out something odd about entries 1-2 versus entry 3 for ya. The first deals with stealing from people on boats (like a pirate), the second is the act of stealing from people on boats (...still like a pirate), and the third is downloading music illegally. What?!?!? Now I'm sorry, MGM records, but there is definitely a difference between Captain Blackbeard, the fiercest pirate in these here waters, and my friend Jim who downloads the Spice Girls off Kazaa. I just don't see why the word "robbery" wouldn't do in this situation? What uptight idiot decided that stealing music was on par with slaughterin' landlubbers for their booty? Do these white-collar bozos actually BELEIEVE that somewhere, deep in the darkest reaches of cyberspace, crews of scurvy mateys gather on the poop deck around their laptops when suddenly ole Jim Crowxly stands in triumph and yells "Yarr, got me another one! May the Lorrrrd be blessin thee, Limewirrrre! Arrr!" I mean good golly, what next? I'll tell ya what: a future of children afraid to seat jack, for fear of committing a "tactical cross-border assault".

Mystery #163 – "My baby's momma"

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #163 – "My baby's momma" I... I don't understand. Generally I get it, you guys, and the whole "Oh man what's up with this thing over here? It's crazy", that's just for the comedy. This, though... This I legitimately just don't get. In honor of Mother's Day, I figured I'd take on this one, singularly weirdest thing ever in the history of "What the heck"-dom. Ladies, tell me true, could this ever pass as romantic? endearing? funny? affectionate? or even cute? If my relationship with someone is such that I can only refer to them via a third party, our relationship is in pretty shallow waters. Seriously, generally "My mother's husband" instead of "dad" means pops and I aint doin so hot. The only other person who comes to mind who has THIS kind of title is He-who-must-not-be-named, and I don't think that was a compliment to old Voldy. Voldemort, of course, not being someone you have sex with. That's a whole other dynamic altogether. I'm thinkin if Voldemort hooked up with some chick, got knocked up, and then had to hear "Hey guys, this here's my little He-who-must-not-be-named", he'd be too busy crying himself to sleep to do much magic orphan hunting.

Mystery #164 – Second rule of Fight Club

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #164 – Second rule of Fight Club Dude, repetitive much? Either old Tyler has a problem with memory or he figured after getting beat upside the head once a week his members would need a little help remembering details. All I'm saying is, maybe shotgun on the rules list could've been used for something a BIT more effective than… rule 1… again. Maybe something like "No double dipping in the guacamole" or "Please wash your hands after using the restroom. That means you, Steve." But I guess those don't have quite the same ring to them. Perhaps something shorter? It would have to be nice and to the point, and of course something people in Fight Club all really need to do. How about "Second Rule of Fight Club is, give Joey some Doritos"?

Mystery #165 – My Grandmother's Cat

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #165 – My Grandmother's Cat Or, more accurately, her lack of cat. Now, I know there's probably some good reason for it, like my grandpa has allergies or just hates the things, but you would imagine that a woman with a wardrobe of kitten sweaters, a den with dozens of cats-playing-in-leaves decorative plates in the cupboard,  and two cat stuffed animals on the couch, would for goodness sakes have a freakin cat! It's almost enough to drive you insane to just ponder it sometimes… Has she ever had a cat? Is she somehow unaware that they can be owned? Perhaps she thinks cats are some endangered species, and thus has never even considered the possibility of having one as a pet. Heck, maybe she thinks they're just made up, like unicorns. But then, I suppose that's why it's a Great Mystery of the Universe…