Mystery #116 – Wisdom teeth

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #116 – Wisdom teeth

I’ve known for a week now that I was going to write about this, but I had to give myself some time. When I first heard from my dentist that I had to get my wisdom teeth out it was just kind of an “eh, no biggie”. They weren’t bothering me, but preemptive strike and all that, I understand, and I figured getting them out now would get it over with.

Having (pretty much) gotten through it all, I’m now wondering why a loving God would have given me wisdom teeth in the first place? If I was of latino descent, I would probably feel the urge to fall to my knees and shout this question to the heavens, but I don’t even own a bumble bee suit so that’s not really an option. Left, then, to contemplation, I fail to see how wisdom teeth could either...

a) have evolved through natural selection (nothing about chipmunk cheeks will get you laid) or…
b) be the product of intelligent design. More like “inattentive, if not vindictive” design. Maybe God just procrastinated on the whole mouth thing and pulled an all-nighter the night before it was due. Yeah, He told his mom he had started last Wednesday, but really he had wasted all his time on that dang World of Warcraft. He knew it was important... but those Sparkle Orcs weren't going to slay themselves! 

If that’s the case, I guess I can’t really point fingers. Except I will point out that my English essays don’t bleed for a week when I leave out a quote. All in all, I guess it comes down to common sense. They’re called wisdom teeth because anyone stupid enough to pay another person to cut their mouth open doesn’t deserve to be called wise.

 

**BONUS MYSTERY: SOLVED!!!**

In old movies, “tooth ache” is always signified by a character having a bandage or white cloth wrapped around their face, under the chin and over the top of the head. I never really got this until the day after my surgery. By then, the swelling had set in and when I walked my cheeks were jigglin’ like slutty cafeteria girl going for seconds at the salad bar. It got to the point where I would hold them in place to keep them from moving (one word, stitches). So, I may be wrong on this, but as far as I’m concerned it isn’t just a fashion statement. It’s a face bra!

Mystery #117 – Subconscious

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #117 – Subconscious

As many of you know, my nose has recently gotten me into trouble (see Mystery 118). Here’s a review for you guys real quick: my dentist cut a little too deep when taking out my upper left wisdom tooth and poked almost into my sinus. I blew my nose, raising my sinus pressure, which ended up breaking this thin remaining division. Now I’m stuck at home sniffling and taking antibiotics.

Obviously, it’s a situation I’d like to end as soon as possible, and so when Dr. Heap says “no blowing your nose, sneezing, etc.” I take him VERY seriously. The last thing I need is for this to nearly heal and somehow land myself with another two weeks. No sneezing, got it.

This morning I woke up and I had to sneeze. I panicked. I tried grabbing my nose, kind of massaging it to get the tickle out, but nothing happened. I thought of how you can “ruin” other people’s sneezes, grabbing their arm a split second before it comes out so they get distracted. The sneeze just goes away. But how do you distract yourself? I had a second to act. I knew I had to do something to stop the sneeze. Before I could realize what I was doing, I was yelling out loud.

“There are bees in the merchandise!!!”

…I know, right? Freud would have a field day with that. I just yelled it, loud and proud to my empty room. Going back after the fact, I can kind of deconstruct my thought process, but this all literally happened in a split second and I really only had time to pick it apart once it had happened. I’m pretty sure… and I don’t know here, but I think I may have cycled through some word association. I think I got “bees” from “distraction”, because, I dunno, bees are distracting or something. And then I’m pretty sure my lightening wit decided something random about bees would do the trick. All in all it probably looked something like this.

Sneeze?
Nooooo sneeze
Stop (grab)
Not working
Sneeze stop?
Distraction?
Bees.
There are bees in the merchandise!!!

On one hand, I’m REALLY glad I found some way to avert that crisis. On the other, I’m more than a little troubled that there’s stuff like that floating around in my subconscious. I swear, being alone in this house is driving me crazy…

Mystery #118 – Karma

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #118 – Karma

Apparently, in a former life, I liked to punch kittens in the face. My recent pre-China follow-up appointment at the dentist went perfectly. Not so perfect was the sudden flow of nasty goo that started leaking from one of my healing incisions after I got home. Turns out, I have a badly infected puncture wound into my sinus cavity, and cannot travel for at LEAST two weeks.

On the plus side, I can now blow my nose out of my mouth. Awesome.

Mystery #119 – Adventure

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #119 – Adventure

So, dear friends, the time has come for us to part. For those of you who do not know, the day after tomorrow (which is Wednesday, but "the day after tomorrow" sounds more dramatic. That's probably why they called the movie that, instead of just "Wednesday") I'll be getting on an early flight to China, and won't be coming back to you until August.

I know a lot of you guys have family in other places who you go spend summers with, but for me that's never been the case. This trip (three months!) will be the absolute longest I've ever been away from good old Chandler, AZ. It’s a little exciting and a little scary, but I think I’ve finally gotten myself psyched up for it. Plus, I’m just really excited to have some time to spend with my dad. This may be a good time to mention, for anyone not yet aware, that my dad moved to China last summer for his job. He’s been back now and then for the holidays and stuff, but I still really miss him a lot.

Now, some important information for ya’ll, and the real reason for this blog.

1) My phone won’t be working in China (duh), and we may disconnect it altogether to avoid paying buttloads for it to sit, off, in my pocket. So just in case don’t call or text anytime after, say, noon on Wed (I’ll be flying to Cali first, but once I get on that second plane I’m as good as gone).

2) There are other, non-phone ways to keep in touch. Facebook is a great example. For those of you looking for an actual email address, mine is nerd7863@cox.net. I don’t IM much, but if I did that first part of my email is my sn.

3) This one is important, so it gets a special tab. www.skype.com has a WONDERFUL free video chat/IM software. I vote you download it and find me, which you can do by clicking “add contact” and searching for my email address. Skype works almost exactly like AIM, only you get to choose to talk in a chat box, video chat with webcams, or even video chat with just microphones (like a telephone, but free).

4) Skype does this other nifty thing that may be harder to explain, but I’ll try. When I’m in China, I’ll be getting a Chinese phone. Through skype, I can set up an account with my phone so you guys can call me. Basically, skype sets up a number here in AZ and you call THAT number (so it isn’t long distance, see?). Skype also sets up a Chinese number, and connects the two through the internet. Your call goes through the AZ number, through the internet, comes out through the Chinese number, and calls me on my Chinese phone. Just like that, we’re chatting on the phone from different countries, but it’s as if we’re both making local calls (basically, you won’t have to pay a finger per minute to say hello). I’ll be posting that number as soon as I get to China and get it set up.

So there ya go. Between email, skype, and my skype phone, anyone who wants to keep in touch this summer can. I’m going to miss all of you guys like crazy, so please do. I’ll be going on some pretty crazy adventures to some places I had never dreamed I’d go. I promise you all I will post pictures, video, and blogs about all the stupid stuff that I get into. But there’s one more thing, which is extremely important.

CHINA TIME IS OPPOSITE AZ TIME! I love you guys, but please do not call me in the middle of the night to tell me that one show is on that we both like and you thought it was cool. I’m especially worried about this happening once I get my cell phone hooked up, so please listen carefully. China time is 15 hours ahead of us. The trick we use to figure the difference is by adding 3 hours to the time in Arizona, and then flipping am for pm. So, for instance, as I write this it is 9:27 am here in Chandler. Adding two hours makes it 12:27 am, and so it is 12:27 pm in China. Obviously the times aren’t COMPLETELY opposite, and there are plenty of times to talk (generally mid afternoon to early morning) so you night owls can call whenever you want. General rule of thumb, though: if you’re eating lunch, I’m probably asleep. Call me, and risk losing souvenir privileges.

Mystery #120 – Annoying Lecture Guy

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Mystery #120 – Annoying Lecture Guy

I have several friends with this same individual in their class. I know it’s the same person because the description is always the same. This is that guy who interrupts the teacher with stupid question after stupid question (half of which they just answered). This is that guy who decides halfway through class would be a great time to loudly talk to his friend about how wasted he got last night. And that guy who always shouts out the answers to the teacher’s questions, which are wrong every time? Yea, that’s him.

It’s amazing just how many lectures he seems to be in. According to the stories I hear, he’s taking both upper and lower division classes in almost every subject. Heck, he even has different lectures at the same time, which probably means he got permission from the Ministry for a time turner. That is the only explanation, as any alternative means I have to admit there could possibly be more than one person in the world this obnoxious. And I… I just don’t know if I could handle that…

Mystery #121 – Perspective

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Mystery #121 – Perspective

I wrote my last Human Event paper on perspective. It was really awesome. Basically five pages on this poem, where at first the narrator sees everything around him one way, before suddenly arriving at this whole new interpretation. Just like that, perspective shifts and the picture changes altogether. It's like the first time you see an Escher drawing, or when you finally get the knack of a Magic Eye. Swirls and chaos collapse into something as simple as a rose, and you realize it's been there all along.

Our dorm is blank. I took down posters today, which leaves me, JD, Artemus, a fridge and a microwave. It's odd seeing the walls this white, all the nooks empty, because it's the first time it's felt this way since move-in.

Looking back, it's funny to imagine how different everything seemed. Not big differences, but broad experiences. That feeling you got the first time in a new place that now is so familiar, or the way you used to orient yourself based on landmarks that you've since replaced.

It reminds me of the time I found out the park our cross country team trained at was the same park my friends lived by. With the team, I always approached from the opposite end, and from that corner everything looked so unfamiliar. It wasn't until that revelation that those two parks collided into something with more than one side to it, something I had experienced in more than just one way.

I had a funny blog for today, but Word won't open and I had to write a new one. At first it seemed like a huge inconvinence, but having written it, I'm not so sure.

Mystery #122 – 9:40 MWF Chemistry 116 in PSH 150

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Mystery #122 – 9:40 MWF Chemistry 116 in PSH 150

I have Chem 113 at 8:40 on MWF in PSH 150. It’s a pretty good class, and I will admit that, of the lecture halls I have experienced here at ASU, PSH 150 is pretty cool. I mean, there are… chairs? And fold out desks? Oh, and the real icing on the cake, that good old stadium seating. Yea, PSH 150 has… all the things that every other lecture hall in the entire school has!

You see, it’s actually rather confusing. As much as my class enjoys PSH 150, no one in the world could love it like the Chem 116 class after us. According to ASUInteractive, there are currently 186 students enrolled, and let me tell you, 186 people have never loved a room more. Why else would they stand at the ready every day, eager to push against the current of exiting 113’ers in their excitement to claim a seat? Sure, on the surface it seems silly not to wait until there aren’t a hundred people leaving the room to try and shove your way into it, but there has to be some totally great reason… right?

Mystery #123 – Slutty cafeteria girl

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Mystery #123 – Slutty cafeteria girl

Hey you,

It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? I haven’t seen you at the dining hall all week. I thought I saw you Tuesday, but it was just some guy in a tank top. I thought of you, though. It’s good to see you’re back. This place is always so dull without you.

Oh, was that a shiver I detected? I see you’ve noticed the air conditioning. They’ve been totally blasting it lately. I can only imagine how cold it must be over there in the corner. That tube top doesn’t seem to be very insulating (spandex rarely is, though, isn’t it? Which just makes no sense, what with the hot pink and all. You’d think that would count for something…) Still, it does go nicely with your lime green mini skirt. That was the first thing that I thought when I saw you waddle through the turnstile, was, “My, how those two completely opposite neon colors complement each other.” And it’s true, too. They bring out your eyes.

I’m not so sure about the shoes, though. Now, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate bright yellow as much as anyone, but are you sure they’ve got enough of a heel? I mean, four inch pumps are nice, but my mother always told me there never was a winner with heels less than six inches. I suppose I understand, though. It’s finals week and we’re all making sacrifices. I guess, all things considered, I should be wondering how you pull off looking as good as you do. Anyways, I’m off to class, but you don’t be a stranger alright? I’m telling you, another week without seeing that delightful little leopard print bag of yours and I’d just be beside myself. Ciao!

-Joey

P.S. – Your makeup looked especially nice today. I swear, you do things with purple eye shadow and glitter I’ve never even imagined.

Mystery #124 – The Math Dungeon

Friends and fellow students, today begins that most dark period of the school year known as Finals Week. In honor of this horrible, horrible time in all of our lives, us here at Great Mysteries have prepared a special series to help get you through the hard times.

Special Edition: Great Mysteries of the ASU-niverse
Mystery #124 – The Math Dungeon

I wrote you a story. I hope you like it.

Once upon a time, in a magic world of sundevils and wonderment, lived a little Math Department Head named King Blinky. Now, King Blinky was a kind and generous Math Department Head who ruled over the Math Department with a fair and merciful hand, until the day he died in a tragic vegetable soup accident.

Now, King Blinky’s assistant, Dr. Misery, was the exact opposite of his humble boss. For years, Dr. Misery had watched the Math Department sink in popularity. In fact, Dr. Misery hated nothing more than losing students to what he called “the wimpy classes”. Once upon a time, students from far and wide had learned powerful calculations in the Math Department’s hallowed halls. But now, the students were mostly visitors fulfilling a required college algebra credit before walking out the door forever. “These traitors!” thought Dr. Misery to himself, “They think they can escape the grasp of the Math Department?! Well, some day I will have my chance, and when I do, we’ll see who gets off with just an easy semester!”

Dr. Misery was a patient man, and so when it came time to replace King Blinky, he knew his opportunity had arrived at last. He commissioned a pit be built at the very heart of campus, deep beneath the foundations of the tallest tower. At the bottom of this pit, he ordered another, even darker and deeper pit dug, until there reached a portal from the surface down into the depths of hell itself. Inside the shaft, Dr. Misery’s workmen built a series of dark stairwells and long, foreboding hallways, with which to instill fear in all who dared enter. And at the very deepest point, at the end of the most gloomy hallway and the very darkest stairwell, they built the Math Dungeon.

Only when the construction was complete did Dr. Misery proceed with the next part of his plan. Into the Dungeon he ordered all sorts of evil things, dragons and goblins and trolls and really uncomfortable desks. Great posters of rules were hung on the walls, and many fluffy bunnies were sacrificed to instill the chamber with dark curses against joy and happiness. Only after all manner of evil had been put into the Dungeon was Dr. Misery satisfied.

And so it was decreed that henceforth, all Math Students unlucky enough to descend into the deepest pits of campus, to the Math Dungeon itself, would know the full measure of Dr. Misery’s hatred for humanity. Sometimes, if you are quiet as you pass down Palm Walk, you can hear them. They are the tortured souls, confined within the walls of their own doom. Pray, children, pray to whatever gods you can that their fate does not befall you, for the Math Dungeon breaks more than a man’s body. Aye, it has power to cleave thy very soul in twain.

THE END