Mystery #154 – Galoshes

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #154 – Galoshes A galosh is basically a condom for your shoe. In the event that you don't want your shoe to get wet, or if you just don't feel like another shoe is what you really need right now, you just slip on your galoshes before tramping out into the rain. I personally just think it's a silly word. It always makes me think goulash, which I then get confused with Gulag. Just an FYI, the former is a Hungarian beef stew, while the latter was the government office in charge of Soviet work camps (which in turn makes me think of Ivan Denisovich, random). Yeah, I know, little different. Ah well though… Apparently these things (galoshes, not beef stew and prisons) were originally made of cloth, which makes me smile. It'd be like Sea World selling knitted sweaters for people to wear in the splash zone at the Shamu tank. Plus, I hear they make your footsteps really super quiet. Makes me wonder if the galosh industry doesn't have a thriving presence among the ninja demographic.

Mystery #156 – Birthday Candles

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #156 – Birthday Candles It's… fire… fire made only for the purpose of being put out. This, this is ridiculous. I think it may have to do with some sort of twisted, primordial throwback. Our cavemen ancestors lived and died in their struggle to create fire. Perhaps some part of us, deep down, still remembers. Maybe that's why we are led to use our hard earned knowledge in such a careless manner, just to remind the fire that the shoe's on the other foot now.

Mystery #157 - Bassoon Theft

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #157 - Bassoon Theft Honestly, who steals a bassoon? I guess the whole idea just seems silly. It's a bassoon, dude. Go steal something cool, like a car. Have you ever heard of Grand Theft Bassoon? No, because it's not sexy. There's just no danger. It's lame. Now, I always imagine while I write these that there's that one skeptical reader who criticizes everything I say, we'll call him Chad. Well look here, Chad, I understand that a good, quality bassoon can cost a pretty penny, but still… Is there really a thriving underground black market dedicated to trafficking stolen instruments? I don't think so. No, I think this is instead something altogether more sinister. That or just someone really lonely with a penchant for doubles. Double reeds? Check. Double s's? Check. Double o's? oo yeah.

Mystery #158 – Magma

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #158 – Magma "Hard as a rock" is a cliché. A cliché, of course, being one of those things we've said so many times that we aren't allowed to say it anymore. Now the person who first said this particular phrase did so with a certain faith, a faith that a rock was something… hard. But then came magma. Oh, that jerk magma had to go and ruin everything. For those of you living under a rock (and may it be a nice, firm, non-squishy rock for the rest of your days. Amen) magma=lava=boiling hot melted rock. In short, magma is a rock that is not as hard as a rock… stupid inconsistent minerals. Don't be fooled, though, it'd still be painful to get hit with it, just for different reasons. Let's just say "molten" is never something worth giving a poke.

Mystery #159 – Your funny bone

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #159 – Your funny bone No. No, I'm not going to write about how, if it's called the funny bone then why don't you laugh when you hit it. In fact, I am going to write about the complete and total losers who refuse to let that joke die. I mean, COME ON, "Hehe, hehehe, hey… hey man… hey… if you hit you're funny bone… uh, why aren't you laughing? Hehehe." Because it freakin hurts, numbnuts. What'd you think it was? If I kick you in the penis, you don't start to suddenly act like a jerk, you fall on the floor and go "OOooooOOOOooohhh…." in a steadily climbing pitch. Don't believe me? Well let the stupid humorous joke slide next time, or it's ooh time.

Mystery #160 - Totally oversized fingernails

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #160 - Totally oversized fingernails makes me think ...that's all I'm sayin...

Mystery #161 – Licking frogs to get high

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #161 – Licking frogs to get high Or, for that matter, any of the crazy things people do to catch a buzz. I mean, if you think about it: sticking drugs up your nose, eating random things in nature, smelling everything from markers to whipped cream… It just makes me wonder who must've DONE it all, who went out there to discover all the vices our addicted friends have to choose from? I think about it and in my mind see Indiana Jones-esque figures. The first brazenly straps a pith helmet over his dreadlocks while another fastens his machete over his tie-dyed peace sign shirt. They slip on their hemp sandals, shoulder their rifles, put some Marley on the iPod, and trek into the jungle in search of new and exciting narcotics. Yeah, that must've been it...   "Well look, Winston, it appears to be some sort of toad!" "Well by golly, Charles, let's lick it and see if we can get high!" "Jolly good idea, Winston, Jolly good idea…"   Still, though, I can't help but wonder if the world isn't complicated enough as it is. Do we really NEED more drugs? Already those "narcotic surveys" we do in English are long enough, and they're only getting longer. I personally just don't understand why we couldn't stick with the traditional method of wasting our lives in a dazed stupor: alcoholism!

Mystery #162 - Piracy

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #162 - Piracy **Writers note: all italics are to be read in your best pirate voice. If you can't do a pirate voice, well, imagine a pirate reading it in HIS best pirate voice. Merriam-Webster's definition for Piracy is as follows...  Main Entry: pi·ra·cy Pronunciation: 'pI-r&-sE Function: noun 1 : an act of robbery on the high seas; also : an act resembling such robbery 2 : robbery on the high seas 3 a : the unauthorized use of another's production, invention, or conception especially in infringement of a copyright b : the illicit accessing of broadcast signals Now, let me point out something odd about entries 1-2 versus entry 3 for ya. The first deals with stealing from people on boats (like a pirate), the second is the act of stealing from people on boats (...still like a pirate), and the third is downloading music illegally. What?!?!? Now I'm sorry, MGM records, but there is definitely a difference between Captain Blackbeard, the fiercest pirate in these here waters, and my friend Jim who downloads the Spice Girls off Kazaa. I just don't see why the word "robbery" wouldn't do in this situation? What uptight idiot decided that stealing music was on par with slaughterin' landlubbers for their booty? Do these white-collar bozos actually BELEIEVE that somewhere, deep in the darkest reaches of cyberspace, crews of scurvy mateys gather on the poop deck around their laptops when suddenly ole Jim Crowxly stands in triumph and yells "Yarr, got me another one! May the Lorrrrd be blessin thee, Limewirrrre! Arrr!" I mean good golly, what next? I'll tell ya what: a future of children afraid to seat jack, for fear of committing a "tactical cross-border assault".

Mystery #163 – "My baby's momma"

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #163 – "My baby's momma" I... I don't understand. Generally I get it, you guys, and the whole "Oh man what's up with this thing over here? It's crazy", that's just for the comedy. This, though... This I legitimately just don't get. In honor of Mother's Day, I figured I'd take on this one, singularly weirdest thing ever in the history of "What the heck"-dom. Ladies, tell me true, could this ever pass as romantic? endearing? funny? affectionate? or even cute? If my relationship with someone is such that I can only refer to them via a third party, our relationship is in pretty shallow waters. Seriously, generally "My mother's husband" instead of "dad" means pops and I aint doin so hot. The only other person who comes to mind who has THIS kind of title is He-who-must-not-be-named, and I don't think that was a compliment to old Voldy. Voldemort, of course, not being someone you have sex with. That's a whole other dynamic altogether. I'm thinkin if Voldemort hooked up with some chick, got knocked up, and then had to hear "Hey guys, this here's my little He-who-must-not-be-named", he'd be too busy crying himself to sleep to do much magic orphan hunting.

Mystery #164 – Second rule of Fight Club

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #164 – Second rule of Fight Club Dude, repetitive much? Either old Tyler has a problem with memory or he figured after getting beat upside the head once a week his members would need a little help remembering details. All I'm saying is, maybe shotgun on the rules list could've been used for something a BIT more effective than… rule 1… again. Maybe something like "No double dipping in the guacamole" or "Please wash your hands after using the restroom. That means you, Steve." But I guess those don't have quite the same ring to them. Perhaps something shorter? It would have to be nice and to the point, and of course something people in Fight Club all really need to do. How about "Second Rule of Fight Club is, give Joey some Doritos"?

Mystery #165 – My Grandmother's Cat

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #165 – My Grandmother's Cat Or, more accurately, her lack of cat. Now, I know there's probably some good reason for it, like my grandpa has allergies or just hates the things, but you would imagine that a woman with a wardrobe of kitten sweaters, a den with dozens of cats-playing-in-leaves decorative plates in the cupboard,  and two cat stuffed animals on the couch, would for goodness sakes have a freakin cat! It's almost enough to drive you insane to just ponder it sometimes… Has she ever had a cat? Is she somehow unaware that they can be owned? Perhaps she thinks cats are some endangered species, and thus has never even considered the possibility of having one as a pet. Heck, maybe she thinks they're just made up, like unicorns. But then, I suppose that's why it's a Great Mystery of the Universe…

Mystery #166 - Mannequins

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #166 - Mannequins There was a time when Mannequins were male, and that was alright with me. But, like everything else in life, those darn feminists have ruined our dummy-naming practices. In some bizarre belief that women should be wearing clothes, female mannequins were created, and all of a sudden "MANnequin" just isn't doin it for me anymore. Now, I know the word mannequin comes to us from some other language, but gosh darnit this is AMERICA, man! And in America, we do not care about that kind of crap. I want my woman mannequin to be called what it is, a WOMANNEQUIN! And these newfangled child-sized mannequins you see today? Well that sure is a kiddequin if I ever did see one. The only time this really falls through is with the scenario of a mannequin version of a pelican. (Just think about it)

Mystery #167 - Peristalsis

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #167 - Peristalsis My esophagus has the ability to do the wave, and you pick a name like peristalsis? That sounds like something that makes me not want to hang out in your hospital room, or at BEST something plants do for nourishment. No, I'm thinking we should come up with something a bit flashier for our oft-taken-for-granted neck undulations (now THAT is a pretty sentence. I'm proud of that one). I wonder if the fly dude is still around, we should give him a call...

Mystery #168 - The Oboe

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #168 - The Oboe I'm sorry, Blake, but any instrument that rhymes with "hobo" just starts out on the wrong foot with me. Not a lot of non-band kids are familiar with the oboe, I assume because it isn't one of your standard "I'm in fifth grade and I'm gunna be musical for a year and then quit" instruments. (I'm told this has something to do with reeds, but I'm going to make something up that's more interesting) This is because oboes are made from an ancient and dark magic, and thus require great wisdom and power to wield. Basically, when I think oboe I think Peter and the Wolf. Peter and the Wolf makes me think of the CARTOON of Peter and the Wolf I used to watch as a kid. THAT makes me think of the other cartoon that was on the same VHS tape as Peter and the Wolf, and so on. By the time I'm done with that oboes are pretty much the last thing on my mind. So again, sorry Ms. Blackman, but I think I'll stick with trumpets and trombones and the like if it's all the same.

Mystery #169 - Flies

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe Mystery #169 - Flies Or, rather, the dude who NAMED flies. I mean, come on, who put this guy in the insect naming business? Somewhere there's a career counselor rotting in hell for this one. "Well you're, uh, creative... maybe you should name bugs?" I suppose the world can only be glad his idea didn't catch on. Could you imagine if ALL the world's great namers were this boring/uncreative/superlame? We'd all turn and look when someone shouted "Walk!", you'd have to change your name every time you hurt a leg, and you'd see commercials for a hundred cars all called the Roll. The 2007 Chevy Roll, your choice for all your Roll needs. Which would REALLY confuse Mr. Furlow.