Mystery #110 – They eat dog in China

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #110 – They eat dog in China

Invariably when my dad comes home, China is a popular topic of discussion. This specific point seems to come up a lot and, frankly, I’m done. Welcome to Great Mysteries, now with extra sass. Mm-hmm.

Yes. Yes, they eat dog in China. No, they do not eat stray dogs off of the street. No, they do not steal other people’s dogs to eat. And no, there is nothing gross, wrong, immoral, or at all dubious about it. I mean, come on people. We live in America. You’re supposed to be the open-minded, culturally enlightened citizens of the melting pot, not the idiot asking, “So, like, is it safe to have a dog there?” No. Chinese people are nasty, dirty little thieves so desperate for the sweet taste of puppy flesh that they routinely dress in their black ninja garb to scour the neighborhood for poor, defenseless animals who’s owners were foolish enough not to keep them inside. Upon finding their prey, these monsters do not even cook the meat, deciding instead to tear it limb from limb with their sharp Chinese fangs. Also, I hear they sleep in coffins.

Honestly? Are you safe having a dog there? I once knew a family with a pot bellied pig as a pet, a big fat thing which wore a collar and had a little dog bed in the corner. They had a small, fenced-in side yard with a dog door, which the pig used to go outside. Now, please show me the idiot who actually thinks this family’s pig is at risk, as random passerby may, at any moment, drop what they’re doing and make a grab for it. Perhaps it will be the businessman on his way to work. Suddenly, in the middle of the street, he stomps on his breaks and bolts out of his car. “BACON!” he yells, “SWEET, DELICIOUS BACON!” I know, I know, it happens every day, poor defenseless family pets devoured by random passerby. I’m not saying that Asian people don’t steal, or even that Asian people don’t steal things to eat, but to assume that the Chinese restaurant down the street may be responsible for your missing Pookie is just absurd.

I won’t spend a lot of time on the second point that dogs aren’t human, because then the racists win. We don’t eat dogs here, but we eat a whole lot of other stuff. I shouldn’t have to whip out the “cows=sacred” example, but it really is the best one out there. Your burger is just as disgusting in someone else’s eyes as dog ramen would be to you (on a related note, “dog ramen” would make a sweet band name…). And, of course, to a vegetarian we’re all on the fast train to some deep, dark, carnivorous hell, so really they’re the only ones who can talk.

Which reminds me, vegetarians… is my garden safe?