Mystery #137 – The Santa Edition

Christmas has come and gone, the season is winding down, and so I thought it appropriate to post some great mysteries that have been on my mind. What, with all the holiday cheer, this cynical sarcastic heart of mine has just been dying to spoil some of the fun. And so, after our little break, it's…

Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #137 – The Santa Edition

I was dragged by my parents to the movies under the pretense of seeing I Am Legend. Needless to say, I was a bit perplexed when I ended up in the theater for Fred Clause. Now, disclaimer, the movie wasn't as bad as I thought it would be (bad, but not unwatchable. Elizabeth Banks made a significant difference).

In it, there is a scene where (hope I'm not ruining anything for you) Fred has to fill in for his brother delivering presents on Christmas. Willie, the head elf, makes sure to remind him that he MUST eat all the cookies or he'll hurt the children's feelings. In the ensuing montage we see Fred trying to cram cookie after cookie into his mouth.

Now this raises an interesting question. Santa already must be a candy cane away from adult onset diabetes. The last thing he needs is another cookie. But we aren't talking about one cookie here, we're talking millions. The argument goes that, because of Christmas magic, Santa is able to move super fast on Christmas Eve to do his job. I've never heard the one about his magic bottomless stomach though. Assuming Kris Kringle's guts are just like yours or mine, there's only room for so much cookies and milk. The only logical explanation is that ole Saint Nick is a follower of the old "binge and purge" school of thought. Enough to make me wonder if, in the original poem, he really laid his finger on the side of his nose.

Which proves there are worse things than coal in your stocking.