Joey Presents: Great Mysteries of the Universe
Mystery #116 – Wisdom teeth
I’ve known for a week now that I was going to write about this, but I had to give myself some time. When I first heard from my dentist that I had to get my wisdom teeth out it was just kind of an “eh, no biggie”. They weren’t bothering me, but preemptive strike and all that, I understand, and I figured getting them out now would get it over with.
Having (pretty much) gotten through it all, I’m now wondering why a loving God would have given me wisdom teeth in the first place? If I was of latino descent, I would probably feel the urge to fall to my knees and shout this question to the heavens, but I don’t even own a bumble bee suit so that’s not really an option. Left, then, to contemplation, I fail to see how wisdom teeth could either...
a) have evolved through natural selection (nothing about chipmunk cheeks will get you laid) or…
b) be the product of intelligent design. More like “inattentive, if not vindictive” design. Maybe God just procrastinated on the whole mouth thing and pulled an all-nighter the night before it was due. Yeah, He told his mom he had started last Wednesday, but really he had wasted all his time on that dang World of Warcraft. He knew it was important... but those Sparkle Orcs weren't going to slay themselves!
If that’s the case, I guess I can’t really point fingers. Except I will point out that my English essays don’t bleed for a week when I leave out a quote. All in all, I guess it comes down to common sense. They’re called wisdom teeth because anyone stupid enough to pay another person to cut their mouth open doesn’t deserve to be called wise.
**BONUS MYSTERY: SOLVED!!!**
In old movies, “tooth ache” is always signified by a character having a bandage or white cloth wrapped around their face, under the chin and over the top of the head. I never really got this until the day after my surgery. By then, the swelling had set in and when I walked my cheeks were jigglin’ like slutty cafeteria girl going for seconds at the salad bar. It got to the point where I would hold them in place to keep them from moving (one word, stitches). So, I may be wrong on this, but as far as I’m concerned it isn’t just a fashion statement. It’s a face bra!
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